I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
