In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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