I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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