i don't like sucking hair
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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