Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
