there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
