I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
