But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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