does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
