I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
