I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
