The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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