Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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