Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
