So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
