Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
