I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
