she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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