I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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