PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
