Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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