Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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