I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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