Who wears a wallet chain?!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
