OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
