i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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