Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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