Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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