so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
