I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
