there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
