My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
