So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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