he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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