the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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