and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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