i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
