I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
