I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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