i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
