I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
