can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize