Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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