Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
