New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
