Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
