Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
