please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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