So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
