The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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