mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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