just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
