Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
When are your genitals available?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
