Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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