even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
