I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
