I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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